I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
