i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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