why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
