Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
