Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
