i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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