You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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