I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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