Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
