textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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