My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Barsexuality is the new black.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
