I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
