I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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