i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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