my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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