last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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