I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Quick, to the slutcave!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
