That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
