i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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