im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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