I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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