somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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