before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
