I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
