I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
