i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
