I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
