i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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