he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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