I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
