I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
