Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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