someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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