I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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