tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
