At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
