that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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