i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
