my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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