I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
