You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
