You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
