If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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