Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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