I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
