I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
