Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
