i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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