I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
