This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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