I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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