today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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