you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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