The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I had to cum in my sink.
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