I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
